Majoring in Plié with a Minor in Tendu was originally the name of my
yet-to-be-published biography. It was going to happen in like 10 years, after I
graduated college (an arts conservatory for ballet, hence the title) and got a
job and because extremely successful and got my face on a box of Wheaties (do
athletes still aspire to attain that?). But then I dropped out of school (with
good reason), moved across the country (to train in another dance program) and
got desperate for money. I mean, not working-the-street-corner or harvesting my
eggs desperate, but close. Recently, on my daily run through of part time job
Craigslist postings, I saw an ad for a part-time dodge ball referee and I
thought to myself not a bad idea.
Ouch: the pain of hitting rock bottom. Desperate for employment, I clicked the
ad to get some contact information. I then realized that I didn’t qualify to
become a dodge ball referee. So no, that first pain I felt was actually hitting
a rusty pike on my way down.
Instead
of crumbling and giving up and begging my parents for money, I decided I had to
become resourceful. What were my skills? Well, I have devoted nearly 15 years
to ballet (still working on getting paid to do that), and other than a few odd
jobs (summers in restaurants, teaching at my studio, packaging jewelry to be
shipped) and a few odd talents (saying the alphabet backwards, knitting
scarves/blankets, social networking)…I had nothing. I’m not qualified to do
anything. I AM A COLLEGE DROPOUT. DO YOU HEAR ME NATIONAL HONORS SOCIETY? ALL
THOSE WASTED YEARS CARING ABOUT SCHOOL, AND HERE I AM, AN UNEMPLOYED COLLEGE
DROPOUT HOPING TO MAKE IT AS A DANCER.
So
here I am, picking up nickels on the street and eating Ramen noodles waiting
for my big break. Until then, I have to get creative and make some money (after
countless emails, resumes, and applications, nobody has offered me a job or
just to pay me a large sum of money, and I can’t understand why not, I’m
flawless). I have been told I am pretty funny, in fact, one of the highest
compliments I’ve ever received is that I would be good at Twitter (so many
people do it WRONG). But I don’t have the guts for stand-up; I can take the
constant pressure of “perfection” and corrections and mistakes in a ballet
class, but put me in front of a crowd and I seize up and turn an awful shade of
red. So I post my best material on Facebook, and my second-rate stuff makes
Twitter, but unless I start charging my followers I’ll never make any money.
The next option was a blog, but once again, how will that make me money?
Advertising? That’s too complicated. Back to the original idea, a book. Yeah
sure. Because I can just crank out a book in two weeks (my utilities aren’t
going to pay themselves). So what is less than a book but more than a blog? That’s
what this is!*
Here
I am, telling my stories, my jokes, offering advice, I may occasionally throw
in a vegetarian friendly recipe, and I’ll try to keep my complaining to a
minimum. Before I finish, let me offer you a taste of myself and of what is to
come (although I can’t get too specific because living in this city is quite an
adventure). I am going to put it in a somewhat unorganized list (don’t tell all
of my potential employers who I have assured many times that I am
well-organized…I promise I am these are just my thoughts at random!). My name
is Kelly. I like to dance. I have danced my whole life, with the exception of
my first 3 years where I was busy perfecting basic skills including but not
limited to sitting up on my own, walking, talking, and using a toilet (I am
still really good at those). I have seen every episode of the American version
of “The Office”. I also love “SNL”, “30 Rock”, “Parks and Rec”, “Arrested
Development”, “Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory” and The Food Network. I am a vegetarian
but I don’t care if you aren’t. I have lived in a city for 20 days and have
been hit on by 3 homeless men. I tweet what isn’t good enough for Facebook. I
constantly narrate my own life in my head (do other people do that?). I will
write a book one day, but this will have to suffice for now.
*I originally wrote this for some online journal, so yes this is a blog, but get over it. I liked the way that sounded and this is my piece so I can do what I want.
